Missing you!

Every 10th of October, I get up in the morning thinking of you. You are most definitely not the only one that has dissapeared from life, mine and the other's, leaving a huge void. You are, for me, not even as  close as others that have dissapeared. But I can't stop thinking about the first time I saw you, when you were just a bundle in that little cot in your mother's house. You were, the first baby I ever saw, that I can remember even now. You grew up, near me, like my little sister, our mothers helping each other, and loving each other, and teaching us the value of the family you choose, more than the family you are given. You left, and years passed, without us seeing each other, but having that special place in each other's hearts. And then, you had that amazing baby, that looks so much like you, that is unerving to look at. And I was happy for you. I was happy life gave you a reason to love even more. And hope even more. Five years ago, my mum came to me saying she needs to talk to me, but being heavily pregnant, she wasn't sure how to tell me what she needed. And I learned that you were, for ever gone. That life happened yet again, and took you from them, from us, from the world. My darling little sister, you had such a short time to make your mark, and you did it so beautifully, and so definitelly, that I can't stop thinking that you still live among us. I wish I could tell your son of all the great moments I saw you growing up. I wish I could tell your real sister of all the crazy childhood happenings I witnessed. I wish I could take back time and hold you even one more time. I did, do, and will love you for ever. Hope you see him, them, us, from up among the stars.
Missing you,
A.

I would rather!

I would rather be happy, than be sad. And, as life shows you, there are so many reasons to be sad, that you could spend it all, wollowing in a pool of your own misery. Happiness doesn't come for free, as it does not, nor will it ever, come for money. But it costs you. It costs you the will to learn not to expect, it costs you the feelings you invest in your loved ones, the ones that you have no choice but to love. It costs you the days and nights spent in conscious struggle with yourself, when you try to learn that not all things happen TO YOU. Some things just happen. And you are in the way.
I would rather do the things that I love, and that make me happy. But not all of them are possible. So, instead, I learn to be happy with the things I do, because they don't define me. They just complete the picture of my life.
I would rather people liked me, but I am not about to change the way I think and the things I believe in, for someone's comfort. So, instead, I learn to like the ones I meet, see the bright human design in every one, and get on with my life, with lessons learned from every one of them.
I would rather be somewhere else. In a distant land, full of towering mountain shadows, deep dark forests with smell of millenial pines, rivers running mad in deep valleys. But I am not. And I smell the strange plants of this new  land of mine, and watch the strange sun coming from a  wrong direction, and think to myself "this is my new world, and I will learn to see it with new eyes, and love it the way I love the old one.
I would rather years didn't go by so fast, and the feeling that old age is just around the corner would not be so implicit. But they are. And it is. And every time I look into my children's eyes it's becoming more obvious. It doesn't feel like it though. If I didn't have them, to compare me against, I would never realize the amount of days, hours and minutes that is now forming memories behind me. The only thing that makes me happy, is the amount of days, hours, and minutes, that their presence promises to turn into memories from now on!

With hope,
A